DERF Magazine: Latest News

Congress attempts to recover after State of the Union drinking game

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:14:42 -0500

Wheels added to Joe Paterno statue for coaching and recruiting visits

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

STATE COLLEGE, PA - Penn State University athletic department officials have confirmed that the on-campus statue of Joe Paterno has been outfitted with wheels so that it can be used for coaching and recruiting visits. The statue is expected to play the exact same role in recruiting and…

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The city of Cincinnati was thrilled to find out this week that they have been nominated for their first Academy Award. The nomination came in the prestigious category of “Most Overreaction to Movie Being Filmed in a City.”

Cincinnati earned this honor during filming of the…

Paula Deen acquires rights to bacon scented insulin

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:53:04 -0500

Chiquita requests Cincinnati streetcar round trip route to new Charlotte HQ

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:52:18 -0500

Northside S.W.A.T. standoff ends in fabulous S.W.A.T. dance off

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:30:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - A tense standoff in Northside eventually became an event that will be forever known as the Northside SWAT dance off of 2012. Many residents feared that injury and possible death would occur during the standoff, but were pleased at the fabulousness of the resulting dance off.
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Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Early reports indicate New Year’s resolutions across the country were broken in record time this year. A government study indicates countless resolutions have been broken by virtually every U.S. resident.

Details of the report indicate not a single person in the U.S. has…

Mel Gibson loses half of swastika collection in divorce

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

LOS ANGELES, CA - In addition to losing half of his estimated 850 million dollar fortune to his ex-wife in a divorce settlement, Mel Gibson has also been ordered by the court to give her half of his cherished swastika collection.

“My client has no comment on the settlement,” said Gibson’s…

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:58:13 -0500

Alzheimer's victim friends self on Facebook

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:57:33 -0500

BCS celebrates another year of perfect, non-controversial college football rankings

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

NEW ORLEANS, LA - After defeating LSU in the BCS champion game, the Alabama Crimson Tide have been declared college football national champions. Once again, the BCS bowl series can celebrate a year of perfect calculations that have led to an undeniable NCAA college football national…

Bill Belichick admits hiding video cameras inside Tim Tebow's church

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:00:00 -0500

DENVER, CO - An NFL investigation has led to New England Patriot’s head coach Bill Belichick admitting to using secret video cameras to tape inside Tim Tebow’s church. Belichick has apologized for hiding the cameras, and has promised that this is the very last time he will engage in…

Seal Team 7 still waiting for it's chance

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:35:33 -0500

Carson Palmer proud of role in leading Bengals to playoffs

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:14:12 -0500

OAKLAND, CA - Oakland Raiders quarterback Carson Palmer has accepted the praise of Bengal fans, as his team’s loss to the San Diego Chargers put Cincinnati in the playoffs. Palmer says that leading the 2012 Bengals into the playoffs is one of the proudest accomplishments of his career.

The Derf Magazine Worst of 2011 List

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:12:32 -0500

Thanks to everyone who submitted ideas on Facebook and Twitter. But mostly thanks to WorstFinder3000, our proprietary new horrible news finder technology (Also known as USA TODAY to some).

1. Royal Wedding: We all know even real British accents are fake British accents. So listening to…

Gangsta of love to be sentenced, Space Cowboy still at large

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Former professional wrestler Gangsta of Love is awaiting sentencing in Cincinnati after being convicted of 14 counts of felonious assault on charges that he had sex with women without telling them he tested positive for the AIDS virus.

Though the Gangsta of Love faces…

Departing US troops wish Iraqis good luck with upcoming slaughter

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 16:08:42 -0500

David Lee Roth to give up La Quinta Inn summer tour to join Van Halen tour

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 16:08:09 -0500

Kmart closings leave thousands of filthy, uncooperative employees jobless

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 01:00:00 -0500

CHICAGO, IL - The announcement that dozens of Kmart department stores will be closing has hit hard for many of their filthy, uncooperative employees. The closing stores will inevitably result in the laying off of thousands of the filthy, uncooperative employees.

“I’m not going to let any…

CANCELLED: Annual holiday elf wrestling tournament at Jerry Sandusky residence

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 22:20:45 -0500

Kim Jong Il declares own death most tragic event in North Korean history

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 22:17:11 -0500

Amazon Kindle named top gift for spouses out of ideas

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:00:00 -0500

NEW YORK, NY - Consumer groups have listed the Amazon Kindle as the top holiday gift for spouses who have run out of ideas for things to buy their mate. The Kindle is expected to be a top gift this year among couples who have stopped putting much thought or care into their holiday shopping.

Ben Roethlisberger charged with 30,000 counts of sexual assault during Monday Night Football power outage

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 01:00:00 -0500

SAN FRANCISCO - The San Francisco District Attorney’s office confirmed today over 30,000 counts of sexual assault were filed against Ben Roethlisberger shortly after the Monday Night Football game between the Steelers and 49ers at Candlestick Park. Prosecutors say during the two stadium…

Crosstown Shootout least violent day in Norwood 2011

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:00:00 -0500

NORWOOD, OH - Though many were outraged by the fight that erupted at the end of this year’s Crosstown Shootout, officials in Norwood have heralded the day as the least violent of 2011. Officials hope for a similarly non-violent day before the end of the year, but most believe the record will…

Florence Mall Santa disfigured in meth lab explosion

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:00:00 -0500

FLORENCE, KY – The man who filled the role of Santa Clause at the Florence Mall was injured this week inside Santa’s Castle due to an explosion in the meth lab he was operating. Florence residents have known thirty-seven year old Jimmy Don Sherman as Santa for over ten years.

Mall officials…

Tiger Woods celebrates win with flurry of sexting

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 01:00:00 -0500

DUBAI, UAE - Tiger Woods won the Chevron World Challenge, ending a two-year title drought that began shortly after his personal life imploded. Woods celebrated the victory by returning to his hotel room where he engaged in a flurry of random sexting that lasted all night.

Immediately after…

Investigation reveals honey badger does care

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 01:00:00 -0500

NAIROBI, KENYA - Researchers from the World Wildlife Federation in conjunction with the United Nations wildlife task force have come to the conclusion that the honey badger, in fact, does care.

“Honey badger has developed an unfair reputation in recent years,” said researcher Dr. Kevin…

72 year old Oscar Robertson defeats UC Bearcats in scrimmage

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - An easy going practice soon turned into another embarrassing outing for the UC basketball team this week, as 72 year old Oscar Robertson single handedly defeated the Bearcat starting five in a 20 minute practice game.

“We’re a young team with a lot to learn,” said Bearcat…

Drunks vote on new Ohio DUI license plate designs

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:00:00 -0500

COLUMBUS, OH - Drunks across the Buckeye State will soon be weighing in with their opinion on a new design for Ohio’s DUI license plates. The new DUI plates were ordered after many found the old ones to be too bland, and will be launched next year.

“Thank goodness they’re doing something…

Gov. Kasich bans bananas from all state approved fruit salads

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:00:00 -0500

COLUMBUS, OH - Following the departure of Cincinnati based Chiquita to North Carolina, Ohio Governor John Kasich has proclaimed that bananas are no longer welcome in state approved fruit salads.

“Let the word go forth from this time and place,” declared Kasich. “That the great state of…