DERF Magazine: Latest News

STUDY: Tom Brady 41% less attractive when not playing in Super Bowl

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:00:00 -0500

FOXBORO, MA - Researchers have determined New England Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady’s exclusion from the 2010 Super Bowl has resulted in a 41% decrease in Brady’s general attractiveness. The study was a joint effort between ESPN, The Journal of American Psychology and Tiger Beat Magazine.

…

Peyton Manning hopes Super Bowl appearance leads to endorsements

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:00:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Peyton Manning has announced that he is thrilled to be one step closer to his ultimate goal for this football season: Getting more commercial endorsements. Manning also hopes to sign better endorsement deals that ones he already has with Reebok, Sprint, Direct TV, ESPN,…

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Every morning for the last three weeks, Bengal kicker Shayne Graham has excitedly checked his eVite account. Every morning he’s been greeted with the same disappointing result. None of his teammates have responded to his Super Bowl party invitation.

Shayne Graham has had…

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to reach a younger demographic, CNN officials have announced that veteran correspondent Wolf Blitzer will be replaced by MTV’s Jersey Shore cast member “The Situation” on the popular news program, The Situation Room.

“This is gonna be a situation,” said “The…

Carson Daly loses time slot to infomercial

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

LOS ANGELES, CA - The shake-ups to NBC late night programming continue, as Last Call with Carson Daly will be pushed back half an hour to make room for paid programming. Daly’s show will now be aired at 2:05 am eastern time following the Dual Action Cleanse infomercial.

The change comes…

Simon Cowell to leave Idol, demands custody of Ryan Seacrest

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

HOLLYWOOD, CA - After announcing that he will be leaving American Idol after this season, producer and judge Simon Cowell is now demanding custody of Ryan Seacrest. The potential court battle is seen as a big moment in legal history involving guardianship of diminutive metrosexuals.

Book of Eli not as good as the book

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:52:43 -0500

Sports in Decline: Study indicates 50% of all sports teams lose each week

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:52:36 -0500

Whale chokes to death on discarded Save-the-Whales poster

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 23:32:41 -0500

Rey Maualuga gets 19% more action on crutches

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:54:46 -0500

Kentucky cell phone remains bluetoothless.

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 10:56:22 -0500

Pharmaceutical company steals crystal meth to manufacture Sudafed

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

WASHINGTON, PA - Unable to keep up with consumer demand during cold and flu season, McNeil Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Sudafed have begun systematically stealing crystal meth to acquire ingredients necessary for the production of cold medicine. The company plans to continue the thefts…

Leno pledges to deliver mediocrity in any time spot

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

BURBANK, CA - With the future of NBC’s late night schedule in turmoil, Jay Leno has delivered a firm resolution to deliver mediocre programming whenever his show is aired. The former Tonight Show host has promised the network and viewers that any show bearing his name can always be counted…

C&C Music Factory closed due to weather

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 08:13:26 -0500

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 12:11:06 -0500

Busken's giant Santa disrupts store operation when using restroom

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 12:10:54 -0500

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST PERHAPS DELUTH, MN or maybe DES MOINES, IA - The IrrelevantBowl.com Bowl was held sometime in the last few weeks. Some team that you’ve never heard of beat another team that you’ve never heard of by a score that is totally irrelevant.

The winning team that you’ve…

Bengals enjoy relaxing on-the-field bye week in New Jersey

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 01:00:00 -0500

RUTHERFORD, NJ - As the rest of the NFL played on the final Sunday of the NFL season, the Cincinnati Bengals gathered on the field at the Meadowlands for a relaxing bye week. The team suited up in their full uniforms and spent the day taking it easy.

“A lot of teams spend their bye weeks…

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:22:17 -0500

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:22:00 -0500

The DERF Top 10 Worst List of 2009

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

Our Top Ten Worst of 2009 List (plus 2 extra bonus items)
Thanks to those of you who sparked a few ideas on our facebook and twitter pages.

Flomax commercials – Pharmaceutical commercials in general are out of control. We tolerate commercials about mucous, foot fungus, and mental…

Tim Tebow vows to cure Urban Meyer

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

GAINESVILLE, FL - After first announcing that he would resign as head football coach of the Florida Gators for medical reasons, Urban Meyer soon stated that he planned to return after a leave of absence. It is believed that the change may stem from Gator quarterback Tim Tebow’s promise to…

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

NORTH POLE - Elves in the North Pole engineering department have spent the last year working on many projects to reduce energy consumption. The largest of these projects appears to be complete as it has been announced that Santa’s sleigh will now be pulled via the power of hydrogen fuel…

Tabloid discovers woman who did not have affair with Tiger Woods

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

FLINT, MICHIGAN - After an intensive search, a leading tabloid has discovered a woman who has never engaged in sexual activity with Tiger Woods. The National Examiner is prepared to go to print with the shocking allegations in its next edition.

Flint resident Susanna Watson claims that she…

Internet eliminates third shift to reduce costs

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

INTERNET HEADQUARTERS – Representatives of the internet announced this week the worldwide web will close down its lagging 11pm-7am shift as the first of several cost reduction measures.

“Supporting such a massive infrastructure during sleeping hours didn’t make financial sense. Our data…

Struggling retailers welcome holiday shoplifters

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

CHICAGO, IL - Retailers across the country are reporting a better than expected turnout of holiday shoplifters, dispelling projections of another down season. This comes as excellent news, as many retailers count on the busy holiday shoplifting season to make their quotas for the entire…

Florence Mall Santa disfigured in meth lab explosion

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

FLORENCE, KY – The man who filled the role of Santa Clause at the Florence Mall was injured this week inside Santa’s Castle due to an explosion in the meth lab he was operating. Florence residents have known thirty-seven year old Jimmy Don Sherman as Santa for over ten years.

Mall officials…

Kenwood Towne Centre parking lot full until January

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - After review by area officials as well as the Army Corp of Engineers, experts have confirmed that the Kenwood Towne Centre parking lot will be at full capacity until at least the middle of January.

The last opening in the lot occurred at 11:48 am on November, 30th, when…

Delta Airlines hires extra holiday workers to lose luggage

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI - In a move to satisfy company needs and serve their customers in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed, Delta Airlines has announced plans to hire seasonal workers to help lose luggage. Delta was concerned that they did not have the necessary manpower available to lose…

Elin Woods new spokesperson for Jaws of Life

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:00:00 -0500

ORLANDO, FL - After an apparent heroic effort in freeing her husband from his car, Elin Woods has been named the new spokesman for the Jaws of Life. She has been signed to a multi-year deal and will tour the country demonstrating her unique techniques for freeing trapped auto passengers.

“We…