DERF Magazine: Latest News

Area man on hold with Time Warner Cable since 1987

Wed, 30 May 2012 10:03:48 -0500

Ludlow KY awaits summer tourist

Wed, 30 May 2012 10:00:10 -0500

Water Works most popular booth at 2012 Taste of Cincinnati

Wed, 30 May 2012 08:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI - In an aggressive effort to increase customer awareness, the Cincinnati Water Works set up an impressive booth this year at the Taste of Cincinnati. Many patrons visited the booth and drank a complimentary cup of water.

Water Works Representative, Howard Copeland, said, "We hope…

Tue, 29 May 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - The Cincinnati franchise of Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar has received national recognition for it's innovative cuisine that caters to the toothless. The chef's creations have caused thousands of people to leave Toby Keith’s restaurant happy, bearing cheery, toothless grins.

Flesh-eating bacteria thwarted by Snooki's blood alcohol level

Wed, 23 May 2012 09:04:58 -0500

Aroldis Chapman embarrassed by car being clocked under 100 mph

Wed, 23 May 2012 08:57:50 -0500

Bengals laugh at Aroldis Chapman's pathetic attempt at lawlessness

Wed, 23 May 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Following the arrest of Cincinnati Reds reliever Aroldis Chapman, members of the Cincinnati Bengals have expressed amusement. Several Bengals were heard to laugh and scoff at what they term his pathetic attempt at lawlessness.

“Looks like the Cuban guy thinks he’s a…

Wed, 23 May 2012 01:00:00 -0500

BATAVIA, OH - The arrival of summer is never far away when Clermont County announces its annual “Leave Your Kid in a Hot Car Outside of Wal-Mart Fest.” The annual celebration is a summer staple in Clermont County, and residents are already anticipating this year’s festivities.

“This is one…

Max & Erma finalize divorce.

Wed, 16 May 2012 08:43:11 -0500

Armed guards protect last piece of unstolen copper in Cincinnati

Wed, 16 May 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Armed guards are in place, holding a 24 hour a day guard over the last piece of copper in Cincinnati that has not yet been stolen and sold for scrap. The heavy security has already thwarted several theft attempts.

In a manner befitting a national treasure or historic…

New Orleans Saints put bounty on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

Wed, 16 May 2012 01:00:00 -0500

NEW ORLEANS, LA - The New Orleans Saints have apparently not learned a lesson from the series of suspensions that were leveled by the NFL. Following suspensions that were issued because of a bounty system that offered rewards for inflicting injury, the Saints have reportedly issued a bounty…

Study: 86% of perpetually annoying people also claim gluten allergy

Wed, 09 May 2012 08:57:09 -0500

Greyhound terminal vending machine receives several Best of Taste awards

Wed, 09 May 2012 08:55:33 -0500

John Edwards impregnates juror numbers 2, 5, 6, 9, and 11

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:00:00 -0500

GREENSBORO, NC - In a shocking turn of events at the John Edwards criminal trial, it has been revealed that the defendant has impregnated all five female members of the jury. The other seven members of the jury include six men and one transender individual whom Edwards reportedly attempted…

Bronson Arroyo worries focus on pitching may hold back music career

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Bronson Arroyo is off to one of his best starts in recent history, however, the right hander worries that the focus he is putting into his pitching performance may be hindering his music career.

In particular, Arroyo has lamented that the increased time he has spent…

NKU considered best alternative to G.E.D.

Wed, 02 May 2012 06:56:01 -0500

Frustrated gay man has 'coming back in' party

Wed, 02 May 2012 06:54:33 -0500

Jessica Simpson's baby born during eighteenth trimester of pregnancy

Wed, 02 May 2012 01:00:00 -0500

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - Mother and baby are resting comfortably at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, as Jessica Simpson has given birth to a baby girl. The birth came just as Jessica was in the middle of her eighteenth trimester of pregnancy.

Obstetrician Dr. Malcom Bishop said, “This delivery was…

Karate duel breaks out at Dojo Gelato

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 10:59:02 -0500

New Brent Spence bridge plan: no exits from Downtown Cincinnati to Lexington

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - A new controversial plan for the Brent Spence bridge is being reviewed by local authorities, who claim that it could have an impact on Northern Kentucky businesses. The new plan has the bridge extending through much of Northern Kentucky, finally reaching ground and featuring…

Reds begin early run toward mediocrity

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - The Cincinnati Reds have surprised many baseball experts by making a run toward mediocrity early in the season, rather than the late season surge that many expected. The early run toward mediocrity is being seen as a new direction for the club.

“It’s rare that we see a…

Players Association demands NFL fan code of conduct not be applied to players

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

NEW YORK, NY - In response to the NFL instituting new code of conduct rules and procedures for fans, the NFL Players Union has demanded that the new rules remain only for fans and should never applied to NFL players.

Under the new plan, unruly fans who are ejected from an NFL game must…

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

NEW YORK, NY - Despite trying to keep news of a recent ultrasound exam private, details have leaked revealing that Snooki’s unborn child is a whore. Snooki and the baby’s purported father Jionni have both expressed joy at the news.

Snooki and Jionni say that they did not initially want to…

Ray Lewis thrilled to be in courtroom where he is not on trial

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis has been called upon as a defense witness in the trial of former Bengal linebacker Nate Webster. Lewis has expressed delight in being involved in a courtroom where he is not the subject of the trial.

“I love not being a defendant!”…

Tim Tebow offers to circumcise Jets' Mark Sanchez

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0500

DENVER, CO - Hours after a press conference announcing Tim Tebow's trade to the New York Jets, Tim Tebow extended an offer to circumcise Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez and any backup quarterbacks in the Jets lineup.

Tebow developed his circumcision skills while working as a missionary in…

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - In the wake of BenGal cheerleader Sarah Jones’ indictment on charges that she had sex with a high school student, all BenGal cheerleader contracts will now contain an anti-slut clause. The anti-slut clause is intended to ensure that similar incidents do not occur in the…

Mayor Mallory still uses Undercover Boss dreadlocks wig at least once a week

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - Long after filming the reality show Undercover Boss it has been revealed that Mayor Mark Mallory continues to make use of the dreadlocks wig from the show. The wig is reportedly being used at least weekly by the Mayor, alarming many in his inner circle.

“He seems to have…

NEW RECORD: 3.2% of Opening Day crowd expected to watch game

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:00:00 -0500

CINCINNATI, OH - In what is being heralded as a sign of a great season, a record 3.2% of fans in attendance at Reds opening day are expected to actually watch the game. This is the highest percentage of opening day game watchers since 1977, when back to back World Series titles raised the…

Post-victory couch burning alleviates Lexington bed bug crisis

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:00:00 -0500

LEXINGTON, KY - Following the Kentucky Wildcats victory in the NCAA Men’s basketball championship, students and residents of Lexington took to the streets to celebrate. The many couches which were burned as part of those celebrations resulted in the unintended consequence of alleviating…

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 01:00:00 -0500

WASHINGTON, DC - After undergoing heart transplant surgery, former Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering and rehabilitating at a steady pace. When asked about the location of his previous heart, Cheney’s staff would only say that it has been buried in a secret, secure location.

“I’m…