DERF Magazine: Latest News

CHINESE OFFICIALS: Our children absolutely love making your stuff.

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:17:07 -0400

Vern Troyer discovered inside of tumor

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:16:53 -0400

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 13:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - After the NFL handed down a $25,000 fine against Bengal's wide receiver Chad Ochocinco for tweeting during a game, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made the announcement via his Twitter account. Mr. Goodell followed up during the week with numerous tweets concerning the…

Roger Clemens claims he sold steroids to members of Congress

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 01:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC - Facing charges of lying to Congress, Roger Clemens is lashing out at his accusers. He claims to have sold steroids to several members of Congress including Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Clemens is under fire for testifying under oath that he did not use performance…

Ashton Kutcher admits to affair with Betty White

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 11:11:39 -0400

Delta loses luggage containing Comair's $275,000 fine payment

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 11:08:40 -0400

Jay-Z to purchase retailer J.C. Penney

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 01:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK, NY - Retailer J.C. Penney will soon be undergoing a makeover and a name change after an impending purchase by rap mogul Jay-Z. The resulting department store, Jay-Z Penney, is expected to become a new retail force.

Jay-Z’s move to the world of retail comes shortly after his wife,…

Norwood celebrates 100 consecutive stabbing-free days

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 01:00:00 -0400

NORWOOD, OH - The city of Norwood has proudly announced their 100th consecutive stabbing-free day. The one hundred day breaks their previous record of 59, and will be declared a holiday throughout the city.

The previous streak came to an end after over two dozen residents were stabbed during…

Suicide Bomber Hall of Fame near ground zero on hold

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 12:10:20 -0400

Parking meters expected to eclipse all downtown business profits

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 12:01:18 -0400

Procter & Gamble launches Single Tooth Whitestrips in Kentucky

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - Procter & Gamble, the marketers of Crest Whitestrips have introduced Single Tooth Whitestrips to customers in Kentucky. The new product is available in Walmart stores, bait shops, and as part of prison inmate welcome packets throughout the Commonwealth.

“Too often, it is…

Local man probably has best body at Deer Cross Apartments pool

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0400

BLUE ASH, OH - After surveying his fellow pool-goers during the summer pool season, Kyle Huber has determined that his body is most likely the best that has been seen at the Deer Cross Apartments pool.

“I spent a lot of time earlier this year preparing,” said the proud Mr. Huber. “Looks…

Maria Sharapova blamed for Cincinnati heat wave

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 01:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI, OH - As Cincinnati declared yet another city wide heat emergency, scientists blame the extreme temperatures on the presence of Russian tennis player Maria Sharapova.

Sharapova arrival in town for the Western and Southern Women’s Open coincided with a six degree spike in…

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:00:00 -0400

CINCINNATI – During a training camp press conference this week, Terrell Owens expressed disappointment with several aspects of his preseason experience to date. Here are his top 10 disappointments and 2 bonus complaints shared privately with DERF Magazine.

1. Still waiting for invitation to…

Monica Lewinsky wedding overshadowed

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 23:59:33 -0400

Career uncertainty grows among members of Smash Mouth

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 02:00:00 -0400

SAN JOSE, CA - The nations leading economic indicators have detected an alarming level of career uncertainty among members of Smash Mouth. The report concludes that there is no end in sight for this uncertainty.

“The other day we were playing the second stage at the Altoona Days street…

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 01:00:00 -0400

RHINEBECK, NY - Though the rest of the day was described as elegant and flawless, the bad news from Chelsea Clinton’s wedding is a complaint from her bridesmaids of unidentifiable stains on their dresses.

It has yet to be determined when the dresses were stained. It wasn’t until the…

Mel Gibson releases hours of tapes of himself saying nothing bad.

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:43:41 -0400

Miami Heat reluctantly agree to play out season before getting championship trophy

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

MIAMI, FL - The front office and players of the Miami Heat have relented to pressure from the NBA, and now plan to play the 2010-2011 basketball season. The organization was shocked to discover that the league wanted the team to play through the regular season and playoffs before awarding…

2-year-old boy left in hot car, now 41, still trapped in car, sweaty, angry

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

WESTCHESTER, OH - Promising she’d be back in just a few minutes, Kelly Matthews left her two year old son Tony in the car while she picked up a few items at the store. After nearly four decades of waiting, Tony Matthews is now sweaty, angry and quite sick of the entire experience.

Tony…

Kings Island unveils new cost effective summer ride: Aluminum Bench

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 00:51:57 -0400

Reality TV surprise: Ochocinco engaged to Flavor Flav

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0400

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a move that has shocked the television viewing public, Chad Ochocinco has proposed to rapper Flavor Flav. The engagement occurred during filming of Chad’s VH-1 series, ‘The Ultimate Catch.’

“Finally, I found someone who is really here for me,” said an elated Ochocinco. …

STUDY: 91% of blogger avatars too flattering

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK, NY - In the most comprehensive study of its kind, an independent research panel has concluded that 91% of bloggers use avatars that are excessively more attractive than themselves.

“We thought the numbers might reach a solid majority, but we were shocked to learn it was 91%,” said…

Apple Inc. offers free corrective hand surgery to owners of iPhones with antenna problems

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 00:00:00 -0400

CUPERTINO, CA – After Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the company has developed a surgical procedure that removes the part of the hand that interferes with the iPhone antenna. The hands of iPhone owners who receive the surgery will have a permanent hole dubbed by industry followers as the…

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

FRANKLIN, MO - After his mother went into a diabetic seizure, four-year-old Adam Schiff miraculously placed a call to 911, alerting emergency crews that saved her life. Adam received accolades and congratulations after the event, resulting in constant boasting and insufferable behavior.

…

Entire Colombian soccer team made of cocaine

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA – As the Colombian soccer team attempted to depart from the World Cup festivities in South Africa this week, drug sniffing dogs alerted authorities to the presence of drugs. After detaining and searching the team, authorities eventually discovered all team…

City of Norwood 4th of July fireworks mostly sparklers

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 12:20:09 -0400

King James decides to split self into six equal parts

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

CLEVELAND, OH - After much soul searching, King LeBron James of Cleveland has decided to appease all six NBA teams seeking his presence by severing himself into six equal parts. The six parts will then reign in Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, New York, New Jersey, and Los Angeles.

Many fans of…

Actual vampires outraged by portrayal as lame teens

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

TRANSYLVANIA, ROMANIA - As the popularity of the Twilight series of books and movies continues to rise, so too does the anger of the vampire population. Vampires are seemingly united in their disgust with the portrayal as lame brooding teenagers.

“In my 695 years, I’ve never been more…

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 01:00:00 -0400

MASON, OH - Rhonda and Simon Potter have finally admitted that their love for their twelve year old son David reached its peak two years ago. The couple also expects future love for their son to steadily diminish.

“Ten years of unconditional love is pretty good,” said Simon. “I’m sure some…